Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.

Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes

JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger

PRODUCER: nice

JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor

PRODUCER: what

JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler

PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim

It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.

{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.

“I know how to make an entrance.”

-guy who builds doors

*explosion walks away from me in slow motion

Psych meds aren’t enough anymore. Hit me with a shovel.

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.

[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”

Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.

I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.

Damn chess infection 😕

“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow

[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨