The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
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flash mobs for serving divorce papers
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.