Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*

her: I said it’s *petrified* wood

me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me

acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

how it started vs how it ended

[typing in parental control pin]

5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]

It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.

“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.

Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin

Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits

Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?

LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

*lays down on the battlefield*

You all go on without me. I’m tired.

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?