The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
You Might Also Like
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
lmao
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank