Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: can I get 20 nuggets and–

priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru

me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things

When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.

I wanted something with no strings attached.

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

First rule of Botox club:

Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.

My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?

10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled

Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true

My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.

Dear Abby,

My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”

Help!

Perplexed in Poughkeepsie

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.

Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.

There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.

Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?

Store mannequin:

It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

I told my vodka about you.

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt