The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
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My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.