The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
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What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still
im gay on my mothers side
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
“Worm Regards”
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*