The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
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There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”