The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
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Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.