Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

“Wow, Awesome costume.”

“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.

Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.

Inkling sounds like a baby octopus

Interviewer: do you have any final questions?

Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.

Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

I used to be married, but I’m better now

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.

Kids: LOL

Dog: LOL

Brain: LOL

Bladder: LOL

doctor: and are u sexually active

puppet: he is not

doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth

me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not

‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

friend: how’s the amazon job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain