The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
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On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
There were shockingly few machete murders at tennis camp.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane