The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
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Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?