The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
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My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I’m not into casual sex. Send me a résumé.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Them: You should try keto
Me:
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.