The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
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[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Just as the prophecy foretold
