Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.

I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

shakira sharkira

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day

I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.

Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week

“Kids, are you asleep?”

Kids:

*turns off the wifi*

MUUUUUUUUUUM

WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”

The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.

In a car crash a dog would rescue you.

However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus

Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate

[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally

my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that

me: not today satin

dutch so unserious

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.

8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.

Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”

It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.

The bath is too wet

– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming