The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
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Did my cat write this
‘m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It’s called “Leave me the fuh cologne”
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
can’t talk my ride’s here
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Things will get butter, keep churning
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
Black Friday at the LEGO store, people were lined up for blocks
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.