The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
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Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
kitchen magnet
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON