The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
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STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11