The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
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Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.
I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”