Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Topic: Excited about mustard!

MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?

InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?

You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.

Tomato, Tomahto

Get in the van.

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them

How do German people not choke to death when they talk

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it

Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

Dead sexy!!

Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no

One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.