Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants

Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.

Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.

Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner

Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends

My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

Class: you want us to what

Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy

parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.

Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.

I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.

Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check