The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
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Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.