Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!

W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!

Band: *plays Freebird*

Me: Well that backfired.

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

Her: How do you like your bacon?

Me: In bulk

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

this is a sign that you need a union

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.