The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
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My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]