Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”

Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.

Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch

Her: *chokes* It’s too late

Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.

The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons

we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…

…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap

Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.