Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]

Please. My avocado. It is so sad.

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us

Me: Like Spanx

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?

Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

“Open your gift”

A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?

“You don’t like it?”

Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA

It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.

My guardian angel deserves a raise

me: you take my breath away!

scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.