[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
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Room with a view.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not