Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

and this one

[date gets back from the bathroom]

those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?

“kids?”

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?

wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer

doctor: do u smoke?

me: no

doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*

me: [nervously] is…is that bad?

Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill

We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.

Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance

Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.