The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
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She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
What do cheeky people drink out of?
A smug.
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?