Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”

Her: Says who?

Me: Sesame

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

Not all heroes wear capes…

[police chasing man on foot]

Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.

Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.

Ways in which I’m like a bus:

– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells

“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”

TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.

“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.

[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]

*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts

Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra

It was a boobie trap

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!