Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.

him: your so cute! why are you alone!?

me: you’re

him: …

me: hello? hello?

Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

🌲😼

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?

clerk: going camping?

me: no

My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle