The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
You Might Also Like
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
⚰
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?