the duality of man
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Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
need him
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human