the duality of man
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My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ