the duality of man
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[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.