the duality of man
You Might Also Like
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one