Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

Person: How are you going to get over this curb?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

inventing words: clothing

Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets

Me: Hold my goat

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

me: I always follow my moral compass

friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson

Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold

Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.

So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?

*eating lawn mower parts*

what, it’s grass fed

Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

8am: plain egg whites

1pm: greek yogurt

6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies

12am: every damn snack on earth

why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines

GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.