Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

Date: So what’s your backstory?

Me: Arthritis.

Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended

Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block

Have you tried being born with a trust fund about it?

*Answers door naked*

Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲

Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.

I highly recommend anything.

– Stoners.

M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.

James Bond: I should use better what now?

I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.

I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵

Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.

3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

Me when I wear 4 inch heels

Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.

She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…

What I say and what I mean are three different things.

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

Me: I hate it when people make me wait.

Chef: Just do your job and take this to the table.

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!

*first date*

Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.

Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.

Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?