The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
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I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I have never related to anyone more.
Cinema or bowling
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
classic mixup
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???