Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

“Great, now I have to pee.”

Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough

Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life

Wife: Yes of course!

Medium: He has something to say to you

Wife: omg go on

Medium: woof

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?

psychic: ok I’ll tell you

me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?

psychic: no I’m pretty confident

The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.

You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

*during sex

Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?

Me: Nope. Way better.

*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs

Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.

ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat

MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in

Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about

Me: USB sticks

Wife: Oh thank god

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat

my uncle was kicked out of the army for eating too many spider webs

All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.

All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.