The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
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*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Breaking news:
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
This came to me in a dream.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith: