The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
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Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
who wants to go expliring
Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Welcome to your 40’s, or as I call it “Two Leonardo DiCaprio Girlfriends”
My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN