The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
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I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
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Me: Same
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Meeeee too!
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*