The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
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A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people