Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.

crying

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

Delightful if true: booby trap.

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

Normal stickers: I peel off easy.

Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.

Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer

in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.

Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands

INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage

ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning

One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police

My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”

Please send help, I’m am deceased.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.