Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not with that attitude

“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”

-My 4yo inventing orange soda

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively

One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero

I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones

Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.

Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?

Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.

While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them.

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*

🤣🤣🤣

i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop

9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?

Me: Because they’re ballet dancers

9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard