The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.
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(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.