Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.

Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro

Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.

He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.

Now, he’s worth $190 billion.

The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”

My husband said “I wondered where you were,” as if I ever moved more than two feet from the buffet table.

My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.

Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.

Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

Boss: How was vacation?

Me: Better than this.

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

I’m a kleptomaniac

It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog

My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.

When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.

Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.

Which is basically the same thing.

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.