The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
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Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Breaking news:
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked