The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
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what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.