The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
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[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead