The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
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Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Just why bro?!
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.