The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
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9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.