Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.

Stranger: No.

Customer service: how can I help you?

Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh

When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.

Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:

Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.

Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.

-my cat.

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head

kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.

Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.

I said “Happy”

Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.

the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder

[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry

the three branches of government

ME: I’m here to repair the gate

ST. PETER: No you’re not

ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side

“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.

In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.

This is so me 😂😂

1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. Me

Things my wife doesn’t want in cider

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women

My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.

Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING