The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
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No laws when master is gone
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]