Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination

Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes

She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”

I’d help her, but I want to see if this works

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”

That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”

Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.

[tinder date]

me: oh wow this is awkward

sunset: *just kinda sets there*

me: but i thought you were, you know

sunset: *still setting*

me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh

sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?

A: You rocket!

#HatDadJoke

I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”

*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*

I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.

When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.

Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING