The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
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ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.