Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.

Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.

Friend: For Halloween?

Me: For what?

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?

ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*

PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD

Signed: nOt The cAt

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:

Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?

if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.