Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists

Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.

You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

We need to put an American base on the sun

The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.

please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke

dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!

me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?

dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home

me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol

I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.

“I could eat.”

-me (right after I’ve eaten)

Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.

With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

me: can you empty the dishwasher please

9: what? What do you mean?

me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.