Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

I never picked my nose. I was born with it.

This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!

Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.

7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??

*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*

My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED

WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live

people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog

Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.

Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client

I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.

In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.

When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

The “research” scene in every horror movie