The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
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My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.