Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[game night]
date: do you have siblings?

me: *flips table*

date: so you’re the youngest

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?

Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations

Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.

8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*

Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code

Dog: [taps paw]

Me: what did it say?

Scientist: “woof”

Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.

Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

Tomorrow is school picture day

Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes

Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes

if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong

I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you

Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.

whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.

Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”