Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog.

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

A baby bear catches snowflakes.

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.

Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot

ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.

I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.

*internal alarm…awakens at 6am

*presses nose

*sleeps 9 more minutes

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”

*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*

Me: And now we wait

[2 days later] *nothing*

[1 week later] *still nothing*

[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now

Me: I said, we wait!!!

I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.

I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero