Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni

dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast

“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”

Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

[first day working in a restaurant]

me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*

cat: *reads sign*

me: oh no

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water

It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair

Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT

If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?

Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.

Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors