The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
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i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled