The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
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Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
💀😭
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
me linking you to my twitter
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.