Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found

Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!

Firefighter:

ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!

Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?

how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????

People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.

“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah

Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.

My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me

If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.

Coffee helps me remember….

Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean words

I never said it was easy.

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.

that de-escalated quickly

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit

Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.