The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
You Might Also Like
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
It has been 3 years since Monday.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.