[hiding in a pantry during a robbery]
Wife: [terrified and crying]
Me: [eating fat free Cheez-Its] I seriously can’t taste the difference.
the early bird gets the worm but so does the bird that gets outta bed around 1pm because there are plenty of worms out there believe me
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I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store