@rorynotroy

the early bird gets the worm but so does the bird that gets outta bed around 1pm because there are plenty of worms out there believe me

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@ComedicBust

[hiding in a pantry during a robbery]

Wife: [terrified and crying]

Me: [eating fat free Cheez-Its] I seriously can’t taste the difference.

@WheelTod

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

@psybermonkey

Marriage counselor: and the puns?

Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it

Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate

@gobmentcheese

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

@jumpdashark

My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.

@TravLeBlanc

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

@seamussaid

Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at

@junejuly12

Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store