The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
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My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.