the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
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At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Jokes on them. I took 10.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
j o i m p
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..