the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
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If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Ikea products should be cheaper, i’m doing all the work here… it’s like ordering takeout food and still having to cook it when it arrives
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] ＩＦ ＹＯＵ ＬＩＫＥ ＩＴ ＴＨＥＮ ＹＯＵ ＳＨＯＵＬＤＡ ＰＵＴ Ａ ＲＩＮＧ ＯＮ ＩＴ
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Brilliant!
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.