You Might Also Like
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I have a type: disappointing
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Whoa 😂
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.