The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
You Might Also Like
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
saw this in a dream
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
