The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
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me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I feel attacked.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.