The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
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Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Plant care tips
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
I used the label maker
another case of gang violins
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.