Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to WebMD, caffeine deficiency is a life threatening condition for people around you.

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.

A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”

You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?

Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝

Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?

Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.

Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

Update: going to a party where you don’t know the people is like seeing a movie sequel when you didn’t see the original.

You can still have a good time but you don’t really know what’s going on

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it

*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*

5: Can we play music in our room?

Me: Sure!

5: Any music?

Me: Whatever you want!

5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!

Me: Nooooooooooooo

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags

Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.

I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

Life goals:

Age 6: Be a pirate

10: Kiss more girls

16: Be 18

21: Be rich by 30

22 – 32: *File corrupted*

33: Improve on napping

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”