The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
You Might Also Like
My man let the intrusive thoughts win 😅
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
He a real one for that
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up